Dear Jag
by DreamingByDay
Summary: After a fight, Jaina Solo, who is dying of an unidentified disease, writes a goodbye letter to her beloved boyfriend, Jagged Fel.


Dearest Colonel Jagged Fel, of the Chiss Ascendancy and Imperial Remnant:

After a long night of thinking about what you said to me, and a really painful failed open heart surgery attempt today (I was going to tell you about it yesterday, but you were really preoccupied and I didn't want to burden you further), I have decided that I have no further reason to keep trying to stay alive. I just informed my healers of this decision, and they agreed that there is not much hope, and that it would be a lot easier on everyone if I just allowed myself to go. I wanted to let you know so that you did not find out in a couple of days when HoloNet goes crazy with the news that I am dead.

I know that our relationship didn't work, and that you probably hate me for things...I'm so sorry, and you don't know how much I wish that I could have been the girlfriend you deserve. I hope that you find acceptance, friendship, true love, family, and everything else that you are looking for in your life, and that you never again have to experience any of the sorrow, sadness, grief, and loneliness that you have felt in the past. I pray that you don't feel any responsibility for me or for what happened to me, because this disease was my choice and not your fault at all. I understand completely that you are an adult with your own career, responsibilities, and life to think about, and I know you have felt obligated to care for me during our relationship, so I am relieving you of that task. You say you do not think of me as a child, but compared to you, I truly am, and even if we were the same age, no one should have to deal with someone as sick and messed up as I am. Even if I did not have this disease and were not dying, my family has a lot of issues, and I have a lot of responsibilities as a Jedi that I cannot ask you to understand or to care about. I guess we do come from two totally different worlds, and cannot possibly see eye to eye on things.

Also, as you know, I personally have a lot of problems that you rightfully say I haven't fully dealt with yet…before I die, I wanted to know, for you, if I have ever done anything at all with Zekk, so I used the Force to go back into my mind and extract those memories of the times I was unconscious and with him. Like you probably figured, he did…do stuff to me. It was really hard to watch, and I had wanted you to be there with me when I did it, but I knew that I would only have one chance to gather all my strength to use the Force again before I died, and I didn't think that it was anything you needed to witness or hear about, after your reaction last night. At least now we both know, and I hope that somewhat puts your mind at ease, because I know that you won't want to kiss me or sleep with me or any of that stuff now that you know what I did unwillingly with someone else. I'm so sorry that I am not the pure and innocent young girl you thought I was. You deserve so much more than me, and I hope that you find it. Honestly, I do.

I will never forget you, Jag. You made my last days so much better, and you helped me through the deaths of my brothers and through so many other self-esteem issues, as well. Know that you will always be first and foremost in my heart, and that you are the only man I have ever and will ever love. My love for you is so deep that I cannot even describe it, and I want you to know always that you are cherished, adored, beloved, and worshiped by me. I know that it is not much to be loved by someone like me…I hope that someone better sees how wonderful you are and loves you, too. I know that someday you will find that love and acceptance within your own Chiss culture, and that you will be the greatest father, general, Grand Admiral, and husband that the Ascendancy has ever known.

You always tell me that I never want anything for myself, and I just want to let you know that you are wrong. I am very selfish and flawed, and I think you saw that last night. Just so you know, I did not do anything with Zekk, and I only brought what he said up to you because I was worried for your own safety. I did not mean that I wanted to sleep with him, because I don't. I only meant that I would be willing to let him do whatever he wanted to me, if that was what it would take to guarantee your safety forever. I'm sorry if that upset you and made you furious with me. I don't know what else I could have done to show my love and to protect you, but I wish I would have done it. You once told me that I couldn't think of ten things that I wanted for myself. Well, I can, and here they are.

10) To have my brothers back

9) To be beautiful for you

8) To be a better Jedi and not have anger/Dark Side issues

7) To end this war

6) Galactic peace

5) To have children of my own

4) A pet whisperkit (I've always thought they were really adorable)

3) My own personal star cruiser, so that you and I could take a trip across the galaxy together and explore

2) To be your wife

The last thing that I want is what I want the most in the world, but I know that I do not deserve it at all: For you to love me. So now you see that I am just as selfish and stupid as all the other New Republic women that you hate so much.

I hope now that you do not feel guilty about leaving this Republic that you despise and returning to the place you want to be. Like I told you before, I left most of what I have to you in my will, but don't feel obligated to keep things that remind you of a time in your life that you probably want to forget completely. You can take your pilot ring back and give it to Shawnkyr when the two of you get engaged. I hope that you will keep my half of our matching charm necklaces as a reminder of the happy moments we did share. You can have my lightsaber if you want it, too, but I know you hate the Jedi and the fact that I am one.

Once again, I am so sorry for all the pain I have caused you and all the suffering you have had to go through on account of me. Please do not feel obligated to be further involved with my family or with anything that happens during or due to my death. Lastly, know that I love you so very much, with all my heart, mind, body, and soul, and that not even death can vanquish that love. I am so sorry for being such a horrible person and a terrible girlfriend with so many problems and insecurities. You have helped me in so many ways that you do not even know about, and thank you for giving me the courage to take this last step and to realize that this galaxy and your life would be a lot better without me in them.

I have always known I was dying, and I never really believed I would get better, Jag. But I kept fighting and struggling against this disease because the one thing I always believed in was you. And now at last I see that I never really had you at all, and that you have much better things to do with your time than continue wasting it on me. I understand now exactly how you feel about me, and that I should never have believed that someone like me could be loved by someone as wonderful as you. I know that you think the idea of love is foolish, overly sentimental, emotional, stupid, and everything else you hate…but I will always and forever love you. I guess that is the last of a long series of stupid, emotional actions by Jaina Solo, right? I wish I could have been better for you, I pray that your life is better now without me, and I hope that the Force is with you wherever you go, even though you do not believe in it. I know you also do not believe in love, but my love will be with you as well, eternally. And I know you do not believe in me…and you are very right not to do so. Thank you for showing me just who I really am and how pointless my existence is.

I love you, Jagged Fel. Always, forever, and eternally. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, the most wonderful thing that has happened to me, and the part of my life that I would not exchange for anything else in the world. I will never, ever forget you. And my love for you will burn just as bright as the stars around us. When you are flying, perhaps you could stop every once in a while just to remember the nights we spent whispering, laughing, talking, and sharing our lives, and to recollect the way I loved you.

Yours Eternally,

Jaina


End file.
